Frustration Arises!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Okay, so, for the first time since I've been here I am feeling extremely frustrated and left out of the group. This whole time I have been feeling included and super happy, but tonight I just feel a little left out and frustrated with several things. I haven't spoken a word to my family since last Sunday. It wouldn't bother me except I told my family I would be able to skype them and talk to them via facebook. I haven't been able to talk to them at all, and won't be able to. My parents don't even know what time to come pick me up at the airport. I really want to tell them a few days in advance so they know how to plan. I'm getting discouraged not being able to talk to everyone. I feel like I've been here a super long time and I'm getting restless. We still have over a week left and I'm worn out all of a sudden. I'm ready to go home. I know I'm not really ready. It just feels like it.

Until Then,
Holly Peffer

* I ommitted part of this journal, because its a little personal and gets other people involved. But I would like to summarize a bit of what I was going through at this point that was frustrating beyond the lack of contact with family that I wrote about. On this trip, I had a battle with myself about my vocal ability. Singing has always been a very, very important part of my life. For as long as I can remember, I have enjoyed singing as a means of worshipping God. But, if you are a singer, or a musician of any sort, you know the competition and jealousy that can be a big part of it. Even if you are using your musical ability for the right reasons, your feelings can still get hurt. Church music is the worst sometimes. There are always sort of these secret battles of who is the best choir director, pianist, organist, guitar player, drummer,  sound guy, vocalist...blah blah blah...its petty and annoying, but its there. No need to ignore the white elephant in the room. Church music politics is a sensitive subject. I sing in church. My dad has done a lot of music in churches over the years. I know. So, yes, I have been guilty of this jealousy and hurt over vocal ability. Its kind of a weak point I'd say for me, and I'd dare say most people who do music. (I know there are some individuals who are completely pure and none of this jealousy is obvious to them, I realize this). Anyway, the point is, I've always been a little um...jealous over my vocals, and sensitive in this area. College has really sort of humbled me. Not that I thought I was awesome, but college music has made me feel like I am not any good at all. Insecure over my musical ability. I haven't really used my voice in the ways I always use it in church because I have felt a little struck down. So you could say this has been an ongoing struggle this school year--feeling musically worthy. I started feeling a little of this in Swaziland. Like I wasn't a worthy musician. Like my talent was unwanted on the trip. I won't go into details, but that was the other issue that was going on when I wrote this blog. To see how God worked in this situation, keep reading!