June 14, 2011- The Luke Commission

Wednesday, May 25, 2011
"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."
              -John Wooden

Today. Wow. There are so many thoughts going through my head about today. I am wide awake even though I feel exhausted...if that makes sense. I have no idea what time it is, though I assume probably like 11 or 12 pm. Its so weird not having a phone to constantly check the time. All I know is its getting late. I got up early this morning and I have to get up early tomorrow...and I'm still up. This journal is going to be more big points, and less detail. First of all, on the way to the bush, (the rural areas) we worked at today for the clinic with the Luke Commission, I got suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Almost totally out of nowhere. I had a huge lump in my throat, and it got really tight because I was trying to choke back the tears which found there way to my face anyway. I was just thinking about God's calling on my life. For this whole school year now I've been wondering if I was called to do mission work. I guess that's a big reason I came on this trip--to test the waters and see if God was calling me to Africa or something. Coming here didn't make me feel drawn in, or as if I have to come back here to serve. I know some people on the trip are feeling drawn here, and are feeling God speak to them, and confirm their calling to the mission field. I don't have that feeling. Not having it has made me feel like I wasn't as good of a Christian--like why is my heart not drawn to mission work in Africa?  Obviously I have a curiosity for doing work in Africa, and serving God in another country. God placed  some sort of desire for me to travel here to Swaziland, even if I have doubted that He called me, and even if I have been deathly afraid of everything African since I signed my name to that contract. I have some desire, yes, but I don't feel drawn here. And that has been bugging me. But today God gave me a sense of understanding about myself and my calling. Its like he said to me, "its okay not to be called away. It doesn't mean you are less of a Christian, Holly, or less of a person. It means I have a different plan for your life and a purpose I want you to serve." The way some people I know have felt about  going to a foreign country to serve since they were little is the same way I felt about teaching since I can remember. Who placed the desire to teach inside me at age 5? God. Why did he lead me to Mount Vernon to study education? Why have I had a strong desire to be a mom since I was young, and carry a baby doll with me everywhere I went? Why have I had a strong desire to find my husband, and always try to date with that in mind, longing for a person to do ministry with? These are all desires that have been placed in me by God. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God wants me to be a teacher. He wants me to be a mom, and he wants my husband to be a big part of ministry, and for us to work together as a team. Today I got a confirmation that I am called to be a teacher. I finally became okay with my own calling, and my walk with God. He loves me. It doesn't much matter what others around me are doing, where they stand with Christ, or what their calling is. Its okay to feel differently about being in Africa than others that are here. We are all different people, designed for different purposes. So that is the thing God spoke into my life. The other thing that goes along with it is I cannot be silent. I cannot live a quiet life doing nothing for the kingdom. I need to come back to school, and do all I can do to become the best teacher I can be, and go out to kids who don't know love and be Christ to them. The U.S. school systems are my mission field.

 
Okay, that's the big story for today. Other things I thought or realized today:

God is still God, even in the southern hemisphere. Today, a man was praying in siSwati (their main language) and his prayer was so spirit filled. I couldn't understand a word he said, but my heart understood what he was feeling. I prayed my own little prayer along with him. Two people of two different tongues were praying to the same God. I know He heard both of our prayers and felt them deeply. This was an amazing moment for me.

I got the opportunity to hold many Swazi babies in my own arms today. Many were wailing and crying, and screaming, but there was still a peace I had while I was holding them. I can't really describe how I felt when I was holding these precious babies. I got to hold many children and hug them . I found clothes and shoes for many of them. The girls would come in, and I would take a look and guestimate a shoe size and pick out a couple of pairs and hold them up to let them pick. I tried to give them as many choices as possible. It was fun to bring a piece of shoe shopping to these girls who don't even have shoes at all. I felt like, even though I could not communicate with these girls in their language, seeing them smile and point to the shoes they liked best, and make faces at the ones they didn't like helped me get a sense of their personalities and tastes. It was fun and  made the situation a little lighter.

At the same time, I felt so much heaviness in my heart. I have never FELT such a literal heaviness. Not only was the situation so deep and the weight of it emotionally heavy, but there were times when I felt as though something was pressing against my chest and I couldn't lift it off. There were times I had to tell myself to breath because I realized I was standing listening  intently to *Echo as she talked about the situation of some of the people and children in Swaziland. I was just trying to process the information. The day had not even begun and I was already overwhelmed with emotion, feeling tears creep down my face. I kept trying to subtly wipe them away because we were walking around with the whole group, and the patients-to-be were all standing around. I didn't want them to see me bawling my eyes out. So I kept wiping away the tears before they flooded down my face. Echo explained to us the process of HIV/AIDs testing. She told us about the hoards of people that showed up, and how many of them, when given a paper asking if they wished to be tested would respond "no".  It broke my heart to think that some people were afraid to get tested, ashamed to tell their families. Many women, Echo explained, are afraid to tell their husbands they have it, because they will be beaten if they find out. These are people who can't get put on ARVs (Antiretroviral medication taken to slow down the process of AIDs). These drugs can prolong life for up to 10 years. In the States, that's not that long of a time, but in a place where life expectancy is in the late 30's, its a really long time. They need these ARVs, but if they aren't getting tested, they can't be put on the medicine. It touched me, though, when she said some of them would refuse to do it, but when their kids were mentioned, "Why don't you do it for your kids?" they would oftentimes  change their minds to be tested.

At the clinics the Luke Commission do, they don't just test for HIV/AIDs. They have a full service not only to treat the body, (they treat people for all kinds of illnesses), but they treat the spiritual being as well. Each patient is prayed over in a special room, and there is counseling for those people who find out that they do have AIDs. They also show The Passion of the Christ which Echo was sharing with us is something they wanted there. They were showing The Jesus Film but the people requested The Passion. Even the children watch it there. Of course, this would be unheard of in America, the movie is rated "R" and deemed too graphic and violent for little eyes. But in Swaziland, Echo got really quiet and shut the door of the room we were in as she explained this, 98% of the kids outside that door have been beaten to a bloody pulp themselves. The word choice that she used there will never leave me. 98% have been sexually, or physically and most definitely verbally abused. 98%. She said the children watch the screen intently, and the images of Jesus being beaten is not too gory for them to handle, but instead they relate to Him. Again, the thought I had earlier in the school year about "getting" what Christ did for me on the cross reoccured. These children were watching it, and soaking it all in, respecting Him. I know I for one need to start taking it more seriously in my life. Besides the thought about Jesus dying for me, the statistic in itself struck me with a moment of grief. Then she told us that most of the little girls were sexually abused before the age of five. Unbelievable. There are people who live with abuse every day in Swaziland. There are people who live with abuse every day in America too. What am I doing to help? We can't change the fact that someone was abused. But we can help them overcome it and show them Christ's love.

We kept walking around the site, looking at each station Echo and Harry and the Luke Commission use at these clinics. This clinic, and most of them, are set up at schools out in the bush, for people who can't get to the hospital. So there were many school children there. One of the things we saw was a teacher fixing the children some food in a big pot. I thought, "good, at least they do have something to eat." My thought changed though, as Echo began to talk. She shared with us that many of the children were excited to go to school. This was something I had observed. The kids always were always laughingand smiling on their way to school, always very early in the morning. They all walked to school, I noticed. Echo told us many of them walked miles to school. That is something I can't get my head around. Walking to school, first of all. Secondly, walking miles to get anywhere, much less to school. Third, many of them didn't have shoes. Walking miles to school with no shoes. I can't even imagine. I complain about my 8 o'clock class. God help me. Echo then told us that the reason many of them walked to school for so long, and got up so early is because they knew they would get food at school, and that was their only meal of the day. Wow. Emotion overcame me once more and I had to hold back the tears. My cafeteria is open from 7 to 7 on weekdays. I can eat anytime I want. I complain about meat that is sometimes under cooked. God help me. I don't know what to do with this information. I am still trying to process everything I have learned. What do I do with this information? I can't stand by and do nothing. I may not be called to live here permanently; I am called to help. And to live my life in service to God somewhere. In the words of The Lion King, "Circle of Life" "There is more to be seen than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done."  

Today, I was wearing a bunch of silly bands around my wrists for the purpose of giving them to the kids. I passed a girl and she pointed to one and said, "its beautiful!" I slipped it off and put it around her wrist. I smiled weakly at her, but it was hard not to cry. She thought it was so beautiful, but it was so simple. We buy packs of silly bands with 25 or more in them. Its just a plastic little band...I only gave her one, but she got so excited. 

One of my favorite things about today was meeting a fourteen year old girl, her name was Nolpomelelo  I know that is misspelled, but it was pronounced "no-pooh-may-lay-low". She and I made a special bond. She kept going around telling everyone about her new friend "Holly".  I will never forget this sweet little girl. She will stay in my heart and prayers as well as the people of Swaziland. I took a picture of her, and I will use it as my reminder.